An Epiphany, of sorts

It has finally entered my mind's hemisphere consciously...perhaps it had before and I forgot it, but this thought now strikes me:

I have been on the coping train for over 30 years. I have an illness that is chronic in some respects, an illness for which I am not responsible for giving thyself. It was a free perk of my livelihood. Eventually, there will be some medical things done to address this situation, as I have only gotten sicker as the years have rolled on by.

There were times when, much younger, I contemplating ending this life. But, even then I endured, saying that things almost had to get better. And, they did. I had a lovely 8-10 year run where things went well for me with this condition that made it something I hardly thought about.

But, as with gravity, what goes up, must surely come down...and it's come down in a big way. Despite the good period I had, there were still things that needed addressing. Other things unrelated to this illness also stressed my endurance.

This is NOT intended to be a pity parade. I have been extremely lucky in many ways, but it has started to enter my mind that...well...this world is just no more for me.

The medical things being contemplated are taking their sweet time to come to fruition and I can only say, I've grown weary of the waiting game.

Grown weary because my body is really starting to fail me now, and while the physical manifestations are not sheer pain 24/7 (or even close too it), there has become a physical reality and an mixture of solid chronic dull pain, to discomfort, sometimes swinging into the real pain territory.

My brain, my psyche, has realized that I've been in coping mode for this long now...and one can only be in coping mode for so long before one starts to wish to cope no more.

I can say that I am reminded back to the early years and how it was then, and while I had the annoying little quirks/perks then, I don't recall having the pain as well. That was more of a mental hell, in more ways than one.

I'm not at the point of no return yet. I still have the fighting spirit in me enough to take this f-er head-on when it comes to the medical things that will be required to be done. I'm, in fact, eager to fight. However, my chance has not come.

And I am starting to begin to see the light at the end of a dark, long tunnel...and in this case...the light is a bad omen.