I've known this

little factoid for a while now: A while back I lost something.

Something I was pretty sure at the time of losing it, I wouldn't get it back for a variety of reasons.

I lost love.

Many moons ago, I was most-definitely in love. I was somewhat certain of it then, and as the years have rolled on by, as the nights of wondering what would have become, I have no doubts. I still am in a way.

I also have no illusions of grandeur, no telling of tall tales that have been exaggerated like a great joke always is (or so a person I knew once told me).

It's odd and extremely annoying when one's brain reaches back into the deep dark recesses of one's brain and expunges these memory fragments from a time long ago spent and it as if you can almost transport yourself back to those very moments and relive them emotionally (but, with the benefit of hind-sight which can be good & or bad).

I'd say until recently, I hadn't thought about her in a solid 6 months: I was too busy getting well. But, as I lay in my bed, my brain began knocking me on the skull wanting to reminisce.

I was watching episodes from the first season of "thirtysomething" this evening, and saw episode 19. Long story short: Michael, a married father, has a woman he has been very close with for years. They were extremely close, and both secretly wanted the other, but they never did anything about, but they kept writing for years after she up and move to England on a whim it seems. As she comes back to see Michael and his wife, and his baby, and his house...they reconnect for a few moments. It reminded me of my lost one.

My thought, is simple. This character, Michael, is pseudo-normal...very similar to any Tom, Dick, or even Harry you'd meet on the street today. I, am far from normal.

I have always quietly and begrudgingly accepted the fact that I am extremely peculiar in my ways and will very likely never find that kind of closeness ever again. I can only imagine what I would uproot if I found it again, so perhaps I should cut my mother some slack.

But, as I roll into what I believe to be the last 20 years of my existence, looking forward seems extremely dreary. This girl knew what made me tick, and she still loved me. It was the most fascinating thing. It was completely and utterly dumbfounding, and all-confusing all at once.

I have a very tough exterior to people who don't know me. It takes a long time for me to feel comfortable enough to let myself out of the genie box. It took 2 years to truly be myself at work, and that was only after the addition of a new teacher the year prior, who I have now become friendly with. Yes, she's married.

I was heavily beat up psychologically (sometimes physically) as a kid going to a big public school, which gave me this exterior, and at this point I truly envy my sister. She is stepping out there and meeting people and actually finding people who like her for her. Least it seems so.

I had it, and I lost it. I have few regrets, but why I didn't handle things differently from how I did, is possibly the biggest. And now, after many moons out of touch, I cannot seem to connect with her.

Worse yet, I have never let go of her.

But, perhaps, just perhaps I will hit my stride sometime this decade. Being the pessimist I am, I doubt it. But, just maybe.

Kornheiser is Back!!

At this very moment, I am likely working with some of my students. Meanwhile, the animal revolution has thus commenced, and the reign of Satchmo on the radio continues on...

However, I will be home in 7 hours to catch the first podcast of:

Old Guy Radio! (aka: The Tony Kornheiser Show!!!!!!!)

Welcome back Tone! Missed you!!