Introvertual

I recall at a very early time, a very early age that I was, to put it mildly, different.

I'm a weird looking dude, and I was a weirder looking dude in my youth.

Growing up, we lived in a neighborhood that had some children in it, but not as many as one would thing, and certainly none within the immediate vicinity of our house.

My childhood was largely a solitary one. I have a sister, but like me, she was sent off to leave the parental units alone as they toiled around in the yard, or at who knows what.

She escaped in books, I escaped in my noggin and in the telly.

I'm not sure which of us fared better with those given philosophies.

In any case, I learned to keep myself entertained and I learned to pass time when there was seemingly nothing going on (much like the shithole that is the US Senate).

So, very early in grade school it was made aware to me that I had issues. I was different. It is very evident that picking on a child is not the only way to hurt them and essentially ignore them in a classroom.

I was largely ignored and if not ignored, I was given pot-shots of the first grade variety. It was during the next three years (1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade) that while I succeeded academically, I was getting the clear message from my peers that I was not okay to them.

Finally, by the 5th grade I had generally sunk into my invisible shield that had very few layers compared to now, but I was awaiting a chance to get out and be thyself.

I thought a new school, a bigger school, would bring a chance the next year. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, how daft I was.

Even as I walked into the new school eager to make new friends, and see new people, my dumb ass somehow didn't realize that the old kids that ignored me would ALSO be there and they would deliver the book on your's truly.

My grades went from A's to C's and even a few D's, which infuriated my parentals more than I could imagine. It infuriated them so, I lost the telly for a solid 2 years from what I can recall. They lack the understanding that it wasn't the tv that was causing my shitty grades, it was all the other extra crap.

Between 6th-8th grade I think most of us flounder about, just searching for the end to the madness of those years, I was not alone in that regard. The only fight I ever got into, that I started, came during those years. (Still wish I'd hit the fucker harder).

I went insular in a big way early on and every day was just an exercise in survival emotionally, physically, and mentally.

As high school approached, I again got eager, tho after my first experience I was less-so, to go into this new place where there would be tons of kids. I went to a massive high school, and I thought I would find safety and like-mindedness in even bigger numbers.

I joined clubs, I tried special things, and it all just continued to flop on top of me. I was awkward, I was odd, I didn't talk a lot (still don't).

It was these key years of my little existence that made me the introvert that I am, of this I have no doubt. This was more of a nurture over nature thing. I am on the verge of considering a new resolution this year now that I am no longer sick.

There will be no breaking of this introversion spell, it will be perpetual.

It is seared in, it is locked tight within me. I don't apologize for it, but I find so many don't get it, and they think I am a gigantic asshole (which, I am not...usually) because I don't do certain social courtesies because I find them abhorrent, nauseating, redundant, and just plain stupid.

I am unsure what the essential point of this post was, if there was one, but I finally did magically, somehow meet a few close friends who I now live NOWHERE near. I see them rarely, and we all now have separate lives.

I cling to them, and I fear the day when they go *poof* on me due to marriage and/or rugrats (we are at that age...blech).

I don't even talk to them much, as I don't have much to say, but they are there.

I am contend to go through the rest of my odd life alone and by myself, I now GET it. I am a rodeo clown with no rodeo (I have NO clue what that means, just sounds fantastic at this moment!).

But, here's to hope?